"Our beautiful victories"  1/6/1998


Our victories did finally fade away. Mixed and torn by politics so mutated I 
still fail to understand them. Even after years of staring at the blank walls
everywhere and the chains which I still use to bind my feet together, I still
feel lost. The last blade of grass being always one step away from where I 
stand. And here I still stand and fool myself of minute inner movement, 
supposedly advancing forward into my own pet abyss. Did time cease to pulsate 
or did my mind finally freeze?

Endless puddles of waste cover my fingertips. Small pebbles break the 
reflection of the memories suddenly running away. I am surrounded by images
which my hands reach out for like hanging cobwebs from a non-existent
ceiling. I look up at the stars of my soulless preaching and I never want to
look at anything again. My old friend of myself. My cold whispers that I miss.
A lost wave in the sands I dig my toes into. So warm and bright are the 
momentary flashes which sparkle on the sea in front of me. Filling my 
charred body with that unrecognizable scent. Please see me.

Our victories, they finally faded away. Lost in the chaotic fragments of 
distorted song. Little threads peeping through the patterns they weave. I
long for the days when I could stand and face the walls and forget they even
existed. Free from the bulletproof glass I now knock my head against. Can I
ever feel whole again? That lonely disguise of friendship. Sorrow shared 
between misty figures sleeping untormented while fog surrounds them. 
Undisturbed even by the small sounds of the night. Loud winds digging out the
final strings tight inside myself, tearing them all together into ever-
growing knots. My mind could see nothing but the rampaging pictures
stretched to the far ends of this universe, until they were only thin threads
ready to break at a single touch. Tiny, tight, slowly expanding until I could
see every single atom bracing itself against the force which slowly ripped 
the faces away from me. Everything pulls the universe into itself but the ends 
we always lose anyway. Please give my victory back to me.